Oh just fuckin’ kill me now. These are the hazards involved in being a horror fan. Occasionally you’ll sit through a film that’s so crud, it defies belief. I thought I had seen it all with The Task but now, I’m about to leave that behind and return to the woods for a film that plunges even deeper into the doldrums of horror.
Ah the woods. A fertile ground for horror and a road that is already very well trodden. Last week saw me review the enjoyable YellowBrickRoad, now it’s THIS.
The Legend of Harrow Woods, also known as Evil Calls: The Raven Part 1, is utter garbage. I don’t just say that to be nasty. I don’t do that. It’s genuinely awful. It’s a low-grade Shining clone, with smatterings of The Blair Witch Project thrown in for good measure..
Based on Edgar Allen Poe’s classic The Raven (quite how, I don’t really know, apart from the fact that The Narrator reads the poem frequently over several scenes), TLOHW is the story of horror writer (The Shining) George Carney. He and his family disappear while on a family holiday to a cabin in Harrow Woods, New England. Now, a group of students go to investigate, led by their lecturer, to discover the fate of the Carney Family. We soon find out that in October 1843, Harrow Woods was the area where local “witch” Lenore Selwyn was burnt at the stake, but not before cursing the woods and all that wander into them. That’s it. A possibly interesting premise, absolutely squandered by amateur execution.
To look at the cast, you might think that this film could be something interesting. We have Blackadder’s Lord Flashheart himself, Rik Mayall, briefly playing a sleazy butler type character (The Shining) with his usual zeal. We have antipodean heart-throb, singer and actor, Jason Donovan, playing a computer geek, complete with a dodgy American accent. We also have 1970′s titty movie star Robin Askwith, who even now, still manages to frolic with naked girls. Also, sadly British comedy legend Sir Norman Wisdom, in one of his last (and most pointless) roles. In THIS film?
And the icing on the cake truly has to be Christopher Walken as The Narrator, who recites Poe’s The Raven over proceedings, his distinctive voice bursts forth, ridiculously, bizarrely, no less than 11 TIMES over the 78 minute duration of this “film”. If you have seen The Dead Zone and heard Walken recite The Raven at the start, it might be clear where Driscoll lifted this from…
The rest of the cast are simply woeful. Seriously. I cannot get my head around it. Special mention has to go to Charlie Allen and Eileen Daly as medium Victoria Jordan, who are both just about unwatchable.
The Carney’s tale is recounted in sepia tinted flashback throughout this farce with writer/director Richard Driscoll (as Steven Craine) even managing to write in a scene for himself where he cavorts in a room full of naked girls as it floods with blood (The Shining).
On that note, there is quite a lot of full frontal female nudity in this film. Contextually pointless but at least Driscoll had fun and Askwith gets to do what he does best.
Gore wise, next to none until the last 6 minutes. Yeah, there’s the blood filled rooms but in the last few minutes we see beheadings, dismemberments, sickles in the face and some boobs punctured by antlers.
Granted, this is not my finest review. It’s weak and amateurish but so is The Legend of Harrow Woods. At least mine is intentional. I simply cannot get my head around how this film was ever made, let alone been releared in a relatively well polished package such as this. Its grainy, washed out and looks insanely cheap. Quite how Driscoll has managed to enlist the calibre of people he has is beyond me. It’s certainly not because he had a massive budget.
On the box, DVD Review are quoted as claiming that THIS dreck is “one of the scariest horror films to come out of the UK in years”… If that’s the case, I genuinely fear for the future of the UK horror film industry.
The biggest fucking laugh of all is that the DVD actually comes with an anaglyptic 3D copy and 2 sets of glasses. Why the hell you would watch this shit AT ALL, let alone in 3D, leaves me speechless.
Stick THAT quote on the box.
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Well they did not get the actors legally onboard this movie, many were not paid as driscoll disappeared with the footage in 2002 claiming insolvency. It was originally intended to be called ALONE IN THE DARK and then EVIL CALLS and other names, and has been released before in actual fact online.
Now it turns up without him telling or informing any of the actors at all under this title, and quite plainly it is ridiculous, he does not have walken attached to it at all as it is not shown anywhere in public other than on the cover of this and he has just dubbed the recording into it after obtaining it and i doubt whether he has permission to do so as the names recently been removed from it. It was not Sir Norman Wisdoms last film.
As in “Casting by Darren Moore”?
As for it not being Sir Norman’s last movie, I never said it was. Sir Norman only appeared in a handful of roles from 2000 up until his death, which would put this among his last roles, if filmed in 2002, as you claimed.
Many of the crew and some actors did not get paid so the footage lay dormant for years so it should not ever be released until they get paid as promised hence the change in titles, online sales pitch, and lack of transparency and marketing or listing on IMDB, its a sham.
I recognize your name from the list of credits. Is there a way the staff can sue them. That is not right that they didnt pay their staff.
Seriously… WTF?!?!?!?!?!
This ‘film’ is so bad I had to do an online search just to find a website (this one) to vent my frustration.
No story, no structure, no thrills, no fckin class..
None of the main cast can act, and they never will again after this is seen by any casting agent..
The sound was poor, the colour and image rendering was poor..
Nothing was done to any standard wotsoever.
Sad sad sad..
So fckin sad.
Thank fck I didnt pay for this piece of shit..
Thanks for your comment. I am sorry you had to watch it too. It’s truly appalling.
I just re-posted this review on my FB as I have been shocked by the traffic this review receives. Certainly more than the film deserves. I wasted my time watching it, let alone reviewing it and apologise to every single person who has read this review as it’s, not only a million miles from my best work but it’s the only review I feel they have wasted their time reading as it regards this stinking shit-pile of a film.
I have had several messages regarding this review, some from people who PAID for the film and want Richard Driscoll hung from the nearest lamp-post for robbing them of their hard earned money.
It’s a shambles.
The definitive review for this movie (in FOUR parts!) came courtesy of the witty, though often misguided, MJ Simpson & can be found here;
http://www.mjsimpson.co.uk/reviews/evilcalls1.html
The troubled production history (of what is essentially at least two separate movies spliced together) is no excuse for the muddled plot but it’s not boring & it was unforgettable to work on.
Richard Driscoll is… unique & I wish he could discipline his ideas into something more comprehensible. Save your critical prose for the imminent “Eldorado” though. Someone once described one of the scenes over the phone to me & my brain locked up.
Yeah i have spoken to MJ Simpson recently regarding his reviews of Driscolls work…
This is a film and indeed, a review that gets a lot of attention.
So if nothing more he has made a film that gets people talking.
I just paid for this. Watched it in 3D glasses. I think I’ll never bother watching a film again. It left me dazed, confused, feeling robbed, raped, violated, beaten, brain damaged, speechless, depressed, tired, alone, woeful, wasted and drained. I can’t put into words how I feel really…
I just feel glad that I didn’t spend months in the woods acting for Richard Driscoll only to find out that you’re not getting paid and that the footage has run off only to resurface for profits under 3 different names without you seeing anything back.
Never again.
It really is quite the pile of shit, eh? Driscoll should be reimbursing you, sir.
I was an extra in the film as they were filming in my local area and i got paid 250 quid
havent seen it though
Emma, I am afraid that they may have spent the entire budget on paying you.
AE