REVIEW – Breadcrumbs – (DVD)

It is not often that I am approached to review a specific movie, rather, I am usually left to my own devices. Yet, when I received this, my first review disc for the site, I felt an enormous sense of personal pride that Andy felt that I should be the man to watch this feature and share my opinions on it.

A few minutes into the film, I began to suspect that I was the subject of a rather cruel practical joke and started looking around for an Ashton Kutcher wannabe (a truly horrific thought in itself) to appear and the taunt me about the humilating set-up.

Some movies are so bad they are good, some are so bad they can be instantly deleted from the memory and some are just that bad that you wonder if there is something more enjoyable you should be doing with your leisure time – like sticking your head in a hot oven.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Breadcrumbs.

An independent horror movie directed by and also “starring” Mike Nichols (not to be confused however with the Mike Nichols who brought us Wolf), Breadcrumbs follows a group of porn filmakers in the woods who encounter a disturbed young brother and sister. Essentially it is just another slasher crossed with the Hansel and Gretel story.

The “children”, as they are often referred to, despite being in their late teens at least, talk of houses made of candy and playing games with the visitors – not particularly nice ones at that, either.

The one thing about slasher movies is that the groups of people involved seem to become more and more irritating and this bunch are about as unbearable as it gets. Right from the start we have a guy, Todd, who pisses on their own van and then films one of the females answering a call of nature outside. He is just demanding to be brutally murdered, really.

The group contains Angie, the veteran actor, who walks around with her face tripping her, drinking bottles of water while the others party. This is her last gig as “the old body can’t hack it anymore”. For some inexplicable reason she seems to have an instant affinity with Patti, the younger sister of the two naughty siblings, which is asking for trouble.

At the opposite end of the age scale we have the annoying and bumbling Dominic, seemingly there to lose his virginity. He spends most of the movie looking at Angie or learning his lines (!) and is treated with the contempt he deserves. The rest of the group are instantly forgettable, even the two heavyweights, Billy and Eddie who spout dialogue such as the following classic exchange:

Billy: Fuck you.
Eddie: Fuck me?
Billy: Yeah, fuck you.
Eddie: Fuck YOU!

Wow. Move over Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. Your coffee scene from Heat has just been eclipsed. Breadcrumbs credits two, yes TWO, screenwriters and the above is a clear-cut case of two heads being better than one. Good work guys. Ahem.

The scenes involving the gang having a drink or having conversations where they talk about their mums are just mind-crushingly awful. Most of these kinds of movie have one character that grates on you but here the whole lot of them will get on your nerves. The acting is atrocious from start to finish and any attempt to display pain or emotion is embarrasing.

They are not even interesting when getting killed. After the opening scene we have to wait 33 minutes for anything to happen and, naturally, it involves the hapless Dominic. After this we have ineffective scenes involving a bear trap, characters being hanged and the staple of all horror movie weapons, the bow and arrow. The horror and scares are simply non-existant.

Oh, and what of the porn you may ask? Well frankly I don’t even know why that storyline is required here, unless you mean a scene with two older women briefly kissing or one short scene of a girl topless. Anyone expecting an erotic thriller will be deeply disappointed.

As for the kids themselves, we have Amy Crowdis playing Patti, who admittedly looks creepy – though I am not sure if that is through acting. The brother, Henry, played by Dan Shaked is just about the least imposing villain you will see in any movie, surpassing even Timothy Olyphant.

And lets not forget the CG blood which completely ruins the only potentially decent scene in the film. It is never a popular inclusion in AndyErupts’ book. (Hate it – Andy)

The movie closes with an attempt at a twist, if it can even be called that. The moral of the story, though, is that dumb, over-sexed people deserve to die. Whether that will make people happy, I am not sure. Weirdly, the opening credits of the film are actually very well done, speaking artfully. Shame it was the highlight of the film as, ultimately, I was more relieved to see the closing credits.

I think I need a lie down now.

Breadcrumbs is released on UK DVD on February 20th via Scanbox Entertainment.