Anyone who has read the works of the AndyErupts team or even had the good fortune to meet any of us personally will know that we are anything but movie snobs. You name it, we will watch it.
From killer sheep to sharks that live on land, we are up for just about any horror movie ride going. The direct-to-DVD releases allow us to see some rather outlandish and occasionally downright outrageous ideas that sometimes seem to emanate from pub talk and find themselves the subject of a feature length movie.
Which brings me nicely on to Osombie.
To describe the plot as succinctly as possible, it is basically Osama Bin Laden, returning from the dead with a zombie army. This sounds like exactly the kind of premise that we might discuss after some alcoholic refreshments, thinking then that it would be a great idea for a horror/comedy, potential cult classic
Sadly, Osombie should have stayed as drunken pub talk.
The plot follows Dusty (Eve Mauro, Land of the Lost), a girl trawling through Afghanistan, looking for her crazy brother Derek (Jasen Wade, 17 Miracles), who believes Bin Laden is still alive. No one believes him and his theory, so naturally he is correct, although not in a manner that could be predicted. Dusty meets up with a special forces group working there and together they find themselves involved in the surreal experience of having to fight zombies to prevent a global takeover.
The soldiers are the usual mixed bag of personalities that we are familiar with in these movies. A photogenic bunch with their shiny hair and designer stubble. Most of them also have smiles that would not look out of place in a toothpaste commercial.
The main character from this group is a dude called Chip (Corey Sevier, The Immortals) who takes his top off at every opportunity. That can be anytime from when he is talking to his male colleagues to being in the midst of battle. His good looks and toned torso mean that most guys watching this will likely be cheering for Osama and his army of walking dead terrorists.
Also in the group we have Tomboy (Danielle Chuchran, Snow Beast), a hot blonde girl who uses a sword as her main weapon (yes, you read that correctly). We have a character called Doc who has a firm, authoritative voice, meaning he is landed with all the dour “army talk” dialogue which helps keep the group together.
Dusty is another hot girl but this time a brunette, just to prevent us from getting her confused with Tomboy. She doesn’t carry a sword, thankfully, but she does come to the desert equipped with lip gloss, leather boots and trendy clothes on the off-chance that she might bump into a sexy, topless soldier while searching for her deranged brother.
Movies like this tend to attract a certain calibre of cast and there is no point, really, in being overly mean about the acting on show. While everyone gives it their best effort, it is fair to say that they should not be preserving space on their mantlepieces for Oscar or Golden Globe trophies anytime soon.
The cast aren’t the main reason for the failure of this movie. The saddest indictment of Osombie is that it’s just, well… boring really. It simply isn’t as much fun as it should be, paling into significance when compared to the likes of Dead Snow.
Part of the blame should be attributed to director John Lyde, whose filmography reads like a list of works that even Troy McClure from The Simpsons would shy away from appearing in.
Osombie starts well enough with an interesting take on the capture of Bin Laden and what happened to his body afterwards. After this we have the first battle scene featuring the soldiers and the zombies. These scenes are the high points of the movie.
Just a shame then that there are still 80 minutes remaining after this.
The novelty of seeing the zombie army wears off pretty quickly. The action is repetitive and with little element of surprise employed. The zombies are unconvincing, stupid and ludicrously easy for the soldiers to kill. The only asset they have is their numbers. There appears to be millions of them, seemingly popping up from holes in the ground.
What we have to watch for the majority of the running time is the soldiers having to spot the zombies in time and shoot them in the head.
It is essentially like watching someone else play a video game. Anyone who has been in that position can vouch that it is about as much fun as watching grass grow.
There is no horror in Osombie at all – this is not exactly [REC] or 28 Days Later. You could watch this DVD with a toddler such is the lack of menace to be found in the villainous undead. Indeed if one Osama’s zombie footsoldiers walked into your house you would just shrug your shoulders and carry on watching the TV. Eventually if you got bored enough you could just hit them with a rolled up newspaper and that, would no doubt kill it.
Osombie is a DVD that should be hidden in a cave like Osama Bin Laden, except hopefully, this time, never to be discovered.
Osombie is available now via Signature Entertainment.
