That’s not a literal invitation. Even if Darwin’s one-hundred-and-thirty-year-old undead corpse could make it to your house from the depths of Westminster Abbey, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want him sitting on your couch. Nothing shifts zombie stench, not even Febreze.
Dead naturalists aside, we’re talking of course about the latest all-nighters from The Horror Channel.
Starting THIS FRIDAY, the 6th of July at 9pm, Evilution of Horror is offering up a natural selection of sixteen horror films, branching out across each Friday this month. In other words, four Fridays of horror-packed quadruple bills.
Things kick off with Vampires on the 6th, Slashers on the 13th, Werewolves on the 20th and, last but not dead, Zombies on the 27th.
Here’s a more complete breakdown of what’s on offer.
FRIDAY 6 JULY – The Vampires….
SCARS OF DRACULA (21:00)
1970 Hammer Films classic. Starring Christopher Lee.
A RETURN TO SALEMS LOT (22:55)
Made in 1984. Based on characters created by Stephen King. Starring Michael Moriarty.
LIFE BLOOD (00:50)
2009 flick featuring lesbian vampires. Written and directed by Ron Carlson.
UMBRAGE: THE FIRST VAMPIRE (02:25)
Cowboys meets vampires in this 2009 film starring Doug Bradley.
FRIDAY 13 JULY – The Slashers….
Released in 1971. Babysitter slasher. Starring Honor Blackman.
BLACK CHRISTMAS (22.55)
1974 classic. Sorority sisters’ worst Christmas ever with Olivia Hussey.
PROM NIGHT (00:50)
This 1980 film had two different titles in East and West Germany. West Germany’s translation was Die Nacht des Schlächters. Sounds like an Arnold Schwarzeneger sex tape to me. Prom Night stars the gorgerous Jamie Lee Curtis. And yes, even as a heterosexual woman, I totally would.
BEHIND THE MASK – THE RISE OF LESLIE VERNON (02:40)
2006 film about a documentary crew following a real life psycho slasher dude on the move. Features Zelda Rubinstein (Poltergeist) and Freddy himself, Robert Englund. Great Fun. Directed by Scott Glosserman.
FRIDAY 20 JULY – The Werewolves….
AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (21:00)
Needs no introduction whatsoever. Pure brilliance.
THE COMPANY OF WOLVES (22:55)
Made in 1984. Werewolf story about growing up and its temptations. Starring Jessica Fletcher, erm sorry, I mean Angela Lansbury.
ROMASANTA: THE WEREWOLF HUNT (00:45)
Released in 2004. Based on the real-life story of a 19th century travelling salesman who killed people to make soap from their body fat and got away with it by saying he was a werewolf. Makes the face-eating Miami guy look like an amateur.
13 HRS (02:40)
Modern day werewolf flick from the Producer of Dog Soldiers. Starring Gemma Atkinson, that chick from Hollyoaks and Tom Felton. You know, Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter?
FRIDAY 27 JULY – The Zombies….
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (21:00)
The one that started it all. George A. Romero’s 1968 classic. ‘They’re coming to get you Barbara….’
CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD (22:55)
Italian gore maestro Lucio Fulci’s 1980′s undead fest.
THE ZOMBIE DIARIES (00:45)
A 2006 British horror. Independently written, produced and directed by Kevin Gates. Shot by first-time filmmaker Michael Bartlett.
APOCALYPSE OF THE DEAD (02:20)
Serbian zombie film by Milan Konjevic. Apparently only £735.07 on Amazon, with free delivery. For just £9 more they’ll throw in another two zombie films….
So there it is.
There may be some in the list that you haven’t seen, others you’ve maybe seen more times than would be considered healthy.
Either way, if you’re looking for some horror evolutionism to fill your Fridays this July, then grab yourself a monkey, some popcorn and don’t forget the plastic sheeting for the couch….
Check out the OFFICIAL Horror Channel website for more info. The Horror Channel can be found at the following channels – TV: Sky 319 / Virgin 149 / Freesat 138